Dealing with Regret: Discovering Growth and Self Compassion

High-stakes decisions with no easy solution, challenging interactions with patients and family, and outcomes that don’t always go as planned: these are unavoidable facts of life for most physicians.  

The lost opportunities or unanticipated consequences may lead to feelings of regret that can haunt you when you least expect it. Although this is completely normal, coming to terms with regret can be difficult. This aspect of professional life is rarely discussed out in the open, making the journey forward all the more arduous.

In this article, we’ll talk about regret, what it can teach you, and how it might help you to become an even more effective physician.

Regret Is Normal, and It’s a Sign of Compassion

Although it can feel crushing in the moment, regret is not a weakness or a marker of failure. Instead, it can help to reframe regret as evidence that you are compassionate and invested in the outcome of your decisions. Whether that’s the well-being of your patients, the strength of your relationships, or the integrity of your work, you wouldn't feel regret if you didn’t care deeply.

Learning from Regret

When you recognize regret in this way, you can break the cycle of rumination and open yourself up to the multitude of lessons it holds, including opportunities for reflection and growth.

Perhaps the lesson is learning to slow down, to listen more closely to your patient, to take an extra breath before responding to a difficult conversation. Maybe it’s committing to take a more active role, advocating more effectively when faced with challenging situations. Or it could be a recommitment to ongoing learning and professional growth.

It’s important to acknowledge that although the past cannot be changed, it can inform the future.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help to create mental space for new ideas:

• Are there ways that you can mitigate the consequences, even now?

• What would have needed to happen for things to have turned out differently?

• What actions are within your control?

• What resources might you need that were not available to you then?

• How might you respond next time you’re faced with this situation?

The Importance of Self-Compassion

As a physician, perfectionism is probably one of your driving forces. But at the same time, you may hold yourself to impossibly high standards.  

Although you may never have been taught this in training, at some point in your career, you will very likely make a decision that, in hindsight, turns out to be wrong. Other times, some outcomes will simply be beyond your control.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a colleague or friend. And at the same time, caring for yourself helps you to stay present and capable of providing the best care for your patients.

Sometimes regret can feel overwhelming, despite your best efforts to overcome it. When needed, professional help in the form of a counselor or a coach can be sustaining.

Turning Regret into Action

It’s important to not only acknowledge regret, but to turn your reflections into action. Use this hard-earned awareness to make adjustments, both big and small, that will help you navigate future challenges with more confidence and clarity. Depending on the source of your regret, it might mean

• Taking a course

• Learning or perfecting a skill

• Seeking feedback or support from a trusted colleague, coach, or mentor

• Implementing measurable changes in a process or procedure

• Practicing mindful communication

• Setting clearer boundaries

• Reaching out to a mental health professional

Moving forward from regret is about progress, not perfection. It's about using each experience to inform your next steps without getting stuck in the past.

Discovering Resilience and Growth

Learning from regret will strengthen your resilience and shape your compassion for others who may find themselves mired in similar situations. Through this process, you will build a toolbox of strategies that will support you through the inevitable challenges in the future.

Regret may never completely disappear, but with time and practice, it can become a guide, pointing you towards opportunities for personal growth and a deeper connection with the values that first led you to find your place in the medical profession.